On the importance of our heroes….

We all need heroes along the way, to keep us wanting to be our real selves!

My first hero I can remember, outside of Jesus
Was that French wire walking artist who walked between the world trade towers-
Prophetic stunts fascinate me. Jeremiah’s way has always been mine-
Go bury your underwear, God told Jeremiah-he knew symbolic stunts!
Then there was Ghandi and Martin Buber (my favorite practical jewish mystic!), my father, my mother, all the abstract artist who tried to paint essence
(And Chagall and Paul Klee for some reason who both made sense to my heart; one for recovering the spirituality in their religious tradition; the other for remaining child like-as that is surely the only way to enter into the Kingdom!)
Trying to paint essential essence of life matters; then there was my art mentor and friend- who taught me to see art all around me- a seeing jew
From Argentina; then the fantasy writer from long ago, then….well the list goes on!
When you see someone really being themselves, it’s hard to ignore.
It makes you want to do the same, or figure out how they did it. True identity is contagious.
In the end, they were all friends with Jesus,
So I re-picked Him as my arch-hero.
It matters who we try to emulate.
Pick your heroes well friends!
We become what we stare at!
Or as the prophet Daniel put it better:
“Fix your gaze to gain understanding.”
It matters where our inner gaze is aimed!

Heart notes….

My first spiritual experience was ecstatic. On Pilot mountain (a local “high” place where I’m from), and then again in the church pew, I was possessed.
Then I had to think about it all for many years.
After thinking, I went with what I knew.
God entered me that hour, as I’m sure He was already there.
But that hour, I knew it. So that was my given in life.
The rest has been friendship-a bit outside
Of religion and culture, but somewhere inside
Of art and my heart.

//

We all need heroes along the way, to keep us wanting to be our real selves!

My first hero I can remember outside of Jesus
Was that French artist who walked between the world trade towers-
Prophetic stunts fascinate me. Jeremiah’s way has always been mine-
Go bury your underwear, God told Jeremiah-he knew symbolic stunts!
Then there was Ghandi, my father, my mother, all the abstract artist
(And Chagall and Paul Klee for some reason who both made sense to my heart; one for recovering the spirituality in their religious tradition; the other for remaining child like-as that is surely the only way to enter into the Kingdom!)
Trying to paint essential essence, then was my art mentor and friend- a jew
From Argentina; then the fantasy writer from long ago, then….
In the end, they were all friends with Jesus,
So I re-picked Him as my hero.

journal entries from partial dreams

Just before sleep I had a dream
I was real friends with my wife
And kicking red rubber kicking balls
Up to angels to play with.
My circle of saint friends were all there
And we were laughing at life together.
That was a good pre-sleep dream.
Plus, all my friends on earth who have died
Were also wanting to play kick ball with us.
I hope this was a true dream. It felt like it.

When caged feeling
I make art. So it never ends
My art is everywhere, under every bridge
And in every bathroom, I can place it.
My wife complains, but this is simple survival for me.
When death, war and sickness comes, I make art
To offer hope, say thanks for existence, I make art
As my prayer of praise for the gift of being here.
And it won’t stop even when I’m dead, I will be making art
As I cross over. It may be good or bad art, but I will be making it.
For, how can I keep from singing.

Meditations….

Having once been possessed
This urban garden on this ghetto corner where homeless naturally are drawn
And birds, and fruit trees—is enough to say thanks over and over daily.
Thanks becomes one’s only thought
And turns out to dispel all that is not in life.
Love displaces all that is not loving.
Love changes the atmosphere, or rather
Makes it what it really is—more itself.
Yes, Love makes things more themselves,
Therefore more named and beautiful.
For God is Love, as they all said in different ways.
Our response to love is thanks. And the birds
And homeless know it when they see it.

Saying yes to being here:

It is enough to say yes daily
I am here, thanks. When we do,
The birds gather in our trees and sing
Each in their own names.
And everyone becomes a new friend.
Every creature newly named by Love.

Take walks, read poetry listen to the birds
Be. That is Sunday. There is nothing left to do today
But be. That is all. Thanks.

Love is a direction not a state.
Love is a way not a goal or ideal.
When one loves, one is leaning in the Right Direction
To make knowing more possible

With all my circle of saints above
I sit here, on this day, in this room
In thanks. Hearing all our voices being themselves together
All praising in their unique cadences and tones.

On naming things….
Everything has a name
Which does not divide it
But makes it whole. Whispered by Love,
That name is all we are.
Says the Father of all names.

On staying alive:

All that is alive inside is welcomed here
My urban garden monastery is open for that
Business twenty four seven. And the birds
And homeless know it, and father naturally
To what is living. And the dead come close
To resurrect. And I have become that
Urban monastery on this corner, for all who pass by!

This is to become local
To be so deeply in life and love
That birds and homeless gather
And children wave and smile
As they pass by my urban monastery
On this ghetto corner. In me,
Love has been localized, shining right here
And drowning all that is alive
Into the arms of her urban garden.

Know Him in planting trees
Know Him in watching breeze pass through leaves
Know him in building
Know him in demolition
Know him in singing
Know him in silence
Know him in words
Know him in what is not written
Or space between words—Ma.
Know him in positive and negative space
Whether in palaces or prisons—know Him.
Know him in pleasure
Know him in pain
Know him in sunshine
Know him in rain
Just know him.
Know him in health
Know him in sickness
Know him in wealth
Know him in poverty.
Just know Him.

Take the time…..

From my counseling session today, some soothing words in turbulent times:

“It’s a really hard time to be alive. You are not imagining that.Yet, the old truths about Love are still true. Let us love one another, regardless of our historical moments.

Work with your hands, love people by name, try to truly be yourself, and honor others. And don’t be stingy with giving your gifts to others. Love reciprocates.

Then my counselor gave me a quote from the Jewish mystic and philosopher, Martin Buber:

I have no teaching, I facilitate a conversation. I point to something outside the window, and we talk about it until we both see one another and what’s outside better. That is through love’s lens.” Martin Buber

Quieter works—gardening, walking your dog at night, making art, just looking at the sky, for examples.
In times like these with the Wisdom of silence and quite art. Not escapist, not sentimental, not unaware, but quiter. A kind word. A gentle word has Love’s silence, implied. God is concerned, but not stressed. Inner Peace, comes before action.
What you do when alone, how you pet the cat or dog, how you watch birds in wonder, effects the whole. Infest people with kindness, gentleness, patience, good listening…..with all the fruits of The Spirit! Do that when alone, and then when with others.
Recognize one another’s names and stories as sacred. Wisdom moves slowly around things in Love to know them. Wisdom, is like a cubist painting that circles again and again until it knows what it loves, and enters exactly there.
Action without wisdom’s slow considering, will always be foolish. But it takes time to consider, before implementation. Take that time!”

Good counseling advice today!

Interruptions….

About interruptions and a life of beginnings….

It’s like I don’t have times to discover and learn things, before the space is taken over. Just oil, or gauche—not enough time or undisturbed room to learn them, before someone needs me or that space or something which doesn’t let me fully learn anything. So, I pick one color, one technique—just red gauche, and white in case I need tone or hue—but I can’t even master red, before something or someone breaks in or through, and causes my red studies to scatter like a Jackson Pollock piece. In fact, at the end, which is not an end, I end up stray painting over the whole thing, as if to obscure it so only children could still see what I was working on. Or worse, I cover it up with dirt to make it look abandoned or like an archaeological tale site, for those in the future to excavate.
He was trying to learn red, the unseen poster read.
Perhaps it is just being used to living on the run. Having to move to the next park or city; leaving my poems behind or on subway walls.
Maybe even if no one ever touched my stuff or needed my space, I would just leave it, half way through everything. But as I get older and can’t run on my way to the next mobile studio; I find I need something like a cave which no one can interrupt; which no one has the key to; which no one, barely even myself, knows about. That secret hidden space with Christ, they wrote about. Where we can just sit and be and listen, and learn a thing or two. An uninterrupted sanctuary of being.
The monks went to the desert. They didn’t want to be found, or have books written about them with maps. They just wanted to be with God and themselves fully. Still, they got famous, and people gathered, and they didn’t get to finish their meditations.
For me, it is not just my awareness of the constant needs of others, it is that I expect to not finish my sentence. Not that it will be plagiarized, or stolen, or lifted by some traveling comedian; but that there is simply an ellipses on my life, and that is part of the sentence which never gets ended.
Make up your alphabet fast, make your wine, age it, drink it and move on.
Forced to write unfitted haiku, I do; but I always thought about a novel, or at least a proper short story; or something that had more than a beginning.
Maybe I am jewish, or Romano, or a circus carney, or was before. I just keep moving from space to space, never ever to find my grave.
Well, my uncles were itinerants as well, but they started churches or useful things along the way. I start nothing, or I only start, and have to leave before I get to put up the Jesus Saves neon sign, to convince people of the truth, by the force of neon. To burn the gospel into them, as it was tattooed onto me.
But maybe I want no sign, or memorial, or even a neon arrow leading to where I’ve been. Maybe I want my life to be untraceable like wind itself.
Or maybe I do want to leave a map, but one impossible to read.
To keep people guessing about where it leads….
I’m not afraid of failure or success; I’m afraid of not finishing my sentence.
Even if I’m just performing for the fat lady on the back row (whom I’m sure is Jesus); I still would like the curtain to fall.

Symphonics

Symphonic

She raced to work
Dodging cars on her way.

The pine trees slid by her slowly
While the cars were like pylons to her
On a slalom course to work
Until the last lorry crossed just in front of her, swerving into her lane
She was late to wrk but pulled back instinctively
Not competing with the big Fish of industry today.

At the hospital she only wanted her phone.
The call came late and not from her.
The hospital called the repeat dial on her phone
And told her work, she was gone.

When they retrieve her care from the wreck
It was still playing Mozart
Repeating some symphony over and over.

//
Ginsberg was a clown
He played us like an orchestra
In his sexual symphony.
He had us all going
He was the director
And conductor of the whole room—including those dead
Or not with us. He howled at the crowd:
Ok, train wreck
Ok, just beforehand,
Ok, sex with stranger in bathroom
They, crashing into one another
Upon impact. This was their last memory.

//
Each day is a symphony
With four parts.
The coffee and reflection on last night’s dreams
And love touches with she who is still beside me.
The slowly returning to the waking world and today’s labors.
The people peppered in like chili plants leaning into sun
While we work and grow.
The languid conversations of late afternoon
And all we’ve so far learned today.
Then, evening leaning into nocturne night
Where we practice the surrender of death to day again.
And all along the way, there, Love was
Playing along with us all through
So many movements each day.
//
She climbed on top of me
Riding me like a horse-l
This little daughter who came
From another daughter who also climbed on top of me
To make all this happen. l
Love their climbings
In different ways.
One I love like a cardinal
The other like a hawk.

//
Death itself flies over me daily
Like a hawk’s shadow, I was trying to photograph.
I don’t mind, it keeps me on my toes, while watching
All the traffic pass in the city
Right in front of me. I live by a highway
But death comes low, nearly tagging me on the head
As if I were its mouse to catch, or daily prey. But
I don’t mind, that shadow passes over all our doors daily.
Mine is blood red, just so the angels can see well
When they devour the hawk
In mid air. And I stand up, leave my front porch
And go paint a red tailed hawk
For memory’s sake.

//
I dreamed I adopted a daughter from Gaza
All I could do was hold her and thank her for being so alive
And having such a loud and beautiful name.
All I could feel was every father
Holding every daughter ever.
And she had curly black hair
And the deepest brown eyes I’ve ever seen
Peering out, at what seemed like, the whole world.

Her dog

Her dog

She was a Czech (someone had told me) living in America and had a very small dog, she took with her everywhere. The dog didn’t like people, but loved other dogs, especially bigger ones.
She always sat in the corner with her dog, and commented on the weather when she talked at all. Mostly to herself, when she did.
But as soon as another dog came into the cafe, she would get ebullient in meeting the owner, asking the breed and age, and health issues and coloring—dog talk. She was great at dog and weather talk.
This one afternoon, on a particularly hot day, her dog needed something she couldn’t figure out. Not thirst per se, but restless in a non other dog sort of way.
“What is it sweetie?” I heard her say out loud.
I had never heard her be affectionate unless talking about other dogs.
“Why do you hate people so much, they love you.” She went on.
“I’m going to introduce you to a real person today to prove it!”
So, they came over to my table, where I had my computers set up for on line art classes from Berlin.
“She wants to meet you.” She said.
Pulling myself out of art class, and my own world, I said, “What is her name?”
“We are not at that point yet.” The girl replied.
I petted her tiny white and brown small chow dog, and looked her right in the eyes. She nearly nipped me, but I moved slowly, with my hand beneath her mouth, until she felt at home, and less skittish. And then looking up at her owner asked-“It’s a bit hot today, and by the way, what is your name friend?”

Stay a bit longer…

It’s a stroke of genius, his idea. But I wouldn’t have said so beforehand. We were on the road, as we often were together. He and I shared so many “road” experiences, it had become the only place we really knew one another.
Between Austin and Boston, and later Budapest and Prague, we were always in betweeners.
I’m not sure when it started, maybe when we were kids sneaking out of our bedroom windows to meet up at the corner and look to see whose lights were still on at that odd hour.
Even then, we would try to notice what was a little off—the anomalies, my friend would call then. Look for the anomalies in life. That’s where the keyhole into real things are at. The best of life is a peep show into Reality, he would say later, after his fancy philosophy degree was earned and at times flaunted in front of me.
Even so, I always liked Francis, even when he seemed to think he knew too much. Like all the names of the existentialist in order, for instance. Or, all the major art movements of the 20th Century and their conjoining philosophical systems which informed them.
Still, we just liked one another. I was just more of an artist type, but he was definitely the thinker. Le Penseur incarnate that guy.
He read for ideas, I read for tone; but we both read a lot. And I mean a lot. Sometimes two whole books or collections of essays a day.
This particular day, we were heading to Harvard Square in Cambridge to see some of my dancer friends. They did modern, and as he would say, post modern dance in plain air—you mean they dance outside in the square, I would tell him. So that my other friends didn’t think he was being aloof or pretentious or whatever.
Well, we arrived in the evening when my street performer friend was setting up his high wire act. Which really wasn’t very high, but was more about walking the rope while juggling. Still, it was impressive, and there were limits to how high a wire could be walked in Harvard Square. Limits to art there, but still art.
My friend would bust his boom box and set up his tripods and get right to juggling, once up on the wire.
Another friend of mine, had dated him once. That was a short date, she said, all he wants is to be on the wire. That line stuck with me. And I remembered it tonight as we arrived just in time to see Wayne get up on his wire.
But when we did arrive this time, something felt odd or at least unique. Not ominous, but teetery. At first, I thought it was the light rain in that weird blue hue that this region harbors. But there was more to it.
We parked in a lot this time, as we weren’t planning on staying long, and walked up and watched from the back of the crowd he had already gathered.
He was playing the beastie boys, and some Prince, and he was mid way through his wonder walk, as he called it. “I will walk you into wonder!” Was the opening line of his act, all these years.
We missed the line, but he was walking the wire well when we arrived, for the record. But just at the end of “Purple Rain” something happened. The wire was shaking like lightening suddenly, and Wayne was looking frazzled. He actually glanced out at his audience, which was a break of his code and habit. Then, suddenly, he fell backward from the small height, and landed right on the back of his head. He wasn’t moving at all then. “Is he dead?” Someone from nowhere shouted. Call 911.
We rushed forwards, breaking through the crown with our elbows. Getting to his body, I put my hand under the back of his head to see if he was bleeding and relieve his neck.
“Wayne are you there? Are you there friend?”
Suddenly he coughed loudly. Every one started cheering.
Then he said something I will never forget.
“Hey man, do I have to fall this hard, to get you here—I mean really here! Well, good to see you nevertheless, but I won’t fall again on your account!”
Later that night, when my friend and I were sleeping in the car next to the park, he, who strangely had been silent since the occurrence, only said: “Man, that guy is such an existentialist! We should stay and meet him again, off the wire!”
The next day, we decided to stay for at least a bit longer, and even strangely started looking for local apartments in Cambridge.

Starts for shorts….

Working on beginning of short stories from real life: Here are a few starts:

Sam was silent. My papaw was like that, unless something came up. And when it did, he could whistle across a whole field. Say he was getting your attention before a train came, or one of the dogs got out and was wandering. Then that whistle would occur. And I say occur, because it was as piercing as church bells in winter. You either thought someone was in trouble, or Jesus was coming back.
Speaking of Jesus, that was the other place my grandfather got loud—at church. He was always given a seat in the Amen corner, where they would cheer the preacher and or The Spirit on. They would get as worked up as the choir in full worship. And he would nearly scream Amen, preach it brother, Amen, give the Word….
Anyway, those are the only two places or times rather, that I heard much out of my Papaw.
//
What happened with you and school? A friend asked. Well, I couldn’t really get good at anything, so I quit I said. Why not? Donna.
All that interested me was girls and a few books and typewriting.
Typewriting?
Yeah, we had a typewriting class, and it was like recess with pretty girls.
Did you actually type?
Sometimes, but mainly it felt like I wasn’t in school any more, so I liked it.
I could even see the exit driveway; and we had a pond I could stare at.
A pond?
Yes, like a small fishing pond, where you could go in the woods and make out with girls, or just skip stones on a more boring day.
//
It’s a stroke of genius, his idea. But I wouldn’t have said so beforehand. We were on the road, as we often were together. He and I shared so many “road” experiences, it had become the only place we really knew one another.
Between Austin and Boston, and later Budapest and Prague, we were always in betweeners.
I’m not sure when it started, maybe when we were kids sneaking out of our bedroom windows to meet up at the corner and look to see whose lights were still on at that odd hour.
Even then, we would try to notice what was a little off—the anomalies, my friend would call then. Look for the anomalies in life. That’s where the keyhole into real things are at. The best of life is a peep show into Reality, he would say later, after his fancy philosophy degree was earned and at times flaunted in front of me.
Even so, I always liked Francis, even when he seemed to think he knew too much. Like all the names of the existentialist in order, for instance. Or, all the major art movements of the 20th Century and their conjoining philosophical systems which informed them.
Still, we just liked one another. I was just more of an artist type, but he was definitely the thinker. Le Penseur incarnate that guy.
He read for ideas, I read for tone; but we both read a lot. And I mean a lot. Sometimes two whole books or collections of essays a day.
This particular day, we were heading to Harvard Square in Cambridge to see some of my dancer friends. They did modern, and as he would say, post modern dance in plain air—you mean they dance outside in the square, I would tell him. So that my other friends didn’t think he was being aloof or pretentious or whatever.
Well, we arrived in the evening when my street performer friend was setting up his high wire act. Which really wasn’t very high, but was more about walking the rope while juggling. Still, it was impressive, and there were limits to how high a wire could be walked in Harvard Square. Limits to art there, but still art.
My friend would bust his boom box and set up his tripods and get right to juggling, once up on the wire.
Another friend of mine, had dated him once. That was a short date, she said, all he wants is to be on the wire. That line stuck with me. And I remembered it tonight as we arrived just in time to see Wayne get up on his wire.
But when we did arrive this time, something felt odd or at least unique. Not ominous, but teeterie. At first, I thought it was the light rain in that weird blue hue that this region harbors. But there was more to it.
We parked in a lot this time, as we weren’t planning on staying long, and walked up and watched from the back of the crowd he had already gathered.
He was playing the beastie boys, and some Prince, and he was mid way through his wonder walk, as he called it. “I will walk you into wonder!” Was the opening line of his act, all these years.
We missed the line, but he was walking the wire well when we arrived, for the record. But just at the end of “Purple Rain” something happened. The wire was shaking like lightening suddenly, and Wayne was looking frazzled. He actually glanced out at his audience, which was a break of his code and habit. Then, suddenly, he fell backward from the small height, and landed right on the back of his head. He wasn’t moving at all then. “Is he dead?” Someone from nowhere shouted. Call 911.
We rushed forwards, breaking through the crown with our elbows. Getting to his body, I put my hand under the back of his head to see if he was bleeding and relieve his neck.
“Wayne are you there? Are you there friend?”
Suddenly he coughed loudly. Every one started cheering.
Then he said something I will never forget.
“Hey man, do I have to fall this hard, to get you here—I mean really here! Well, good to see you nevertheless, but I won’t fall again on your account!”

//

Chavez was in his two toned-mustard and black-For 150 heading to his dad’s funeral. He had managed to bring his son, but not his wife.
She simply refused to support his father’s death.So Chavez had brought a shotgun, not to kill anyone, just to shoot at bottles with his son. That is, to let off steam together. He thought it might be an appropriate ritual, given that his dad was a Marine and all.
So half way to El Paso, he and his son pulled far off the road, and set up some bottles at a distance. “Nobody asks you what you’re doing in that part of the desert.” He had once explained to me. So it’s a good place to blow off steam.
But, this day was more windy than usual, even for that part of Texas.
He had his son Billy set up the bottles at exact coordinates, which he had drawn for him on a napkin.
“A little more to the right or left!” He kept hollering to his son. Ok, perfect.
Come back here.
He drew a line in the sand, and told his son—“Don’t step past this line when shooting!”
And st
and 12 feet away from me, if you are going to fire at will.
His son knew the routine.
They lined themselves up, and began to shoot at the Budweiser cans.
One by one they fell. Mostly by his own gun, but his son’s little riffle was doing well today. He got two out of the 13.
“Go gather the cans son.” He did, and they were back in the truck to head towards the funeral.
They drove another forty miles or so, when the wind picked up to the point, the truck was swaying a bit back and forth in those long shelves or even walls of wind that only Texas can produce.
At one point, he almost wanted to pull off, as the gust felt hurricanal in strength or might.
But he needed to get there an hour early to practice his speech for his father.
So, they just kept driving through it, like a little ship on a bit sea, he thought.
Just about five miles out, something felt odd. There was a shaking on the front right side.
Is it the front tire, he thought, or something up in the carburetor, or what….
And there was a noise with it. Like a rock caught in a glass jar, and then suddenly lots of purple black smoke from the front grill.
Son, we gotta pull off now.
“We may have to wait to bury the dead” he just suddenly said, for no reason.
They pulled off, and got away from the truck for a five minutes until it cooled.
As they were just there, standing away from the truck, his wife called.
“Hey, honey, I’m on the way, I just couldn’t bare the feeling of you two men down there in the desert burying your father by yourselves. How are you. Do you have your speech down? I’m heading down in the other truck. You need anything?”