Raw diary notes unedited…

I’m being equipped in how to disciple, by first practicing it in myself. One aspect is to know how and when to retreat from people to the deserted places (Luke 5). When you are, as i am, prophetic pastoral, you want to help others, but you also see lots of what they really need. The nuances, the layers, and you have to often draw near to God to process all you see together with Him, partly so you can see how He is really helping them. And partly just to get in re-awe of just how kind and thorough He is towards each of us! His thousand daily thoughts towards each of us daily! They are real, nuanced, specific …

Drawing near often throughout the day is one praxis for those in ministry, or those who have both a pastoral and prophetic heart–those who care deeply, but also see far. Learning how to be both a sensitive shepherd and a far viewing prophet is to integrate two parts of His Life which He alone has integrated. We see and know, and we also care and want to minister His Life into each situation. It’s a journey how these dance together. He is integrating the two in my own spirituality currently. And it requires some practices.

Often clinging to Christ, when there are many pulls outwards to others. Probably why I’m studying spiritual disciplines and contemplation. How do I draw near? Study, travel, seeing in Him etc. Practicing this throughout the days. Jesus was in His public ministry when He retreated often to be with His Father. Even awareness of animal’s needs is hard when you are drained. How ministers stay close to God while giving so much to others is a key. That full silent active listening hour with God becomes essential.

King David often returned throughout the day, even while ruling an entire nation. It’s possible to be a king and still stay intimate with God. For one, you need time to process it all with God. Come let us reason…Silence into active listening to God; Merton’s going to abandoned huge churches often…etc.  It means you won’t be available to others at times, and that’s hard for ministers! Still, it is more important that you be close and filled with God, even if your motivation is to help others. I’m never not aware of people. I can will not to engage, but I’m always aware of them. At times, i need to be close to those who do not pull. That’s ok. Permission granted. To cling to Christ often regardless other’s needs is a hard discipline for a ministry oriented person. The poor will be with you always…but Jesus only did what He saw the father doing.

IT’s ok to just write and converse with other peers this season for a bit! You need that mutuality right now. Still, i will always minister. I trust that He will bring the right younger ones around at His Time. I”m sort of in a secret place part of my spiritual growth. He hasn’t really shared me yet; He is still forming this next season of Himself in me. That’s ok. Giving me insights into elder’s issues, and other leaders, and lots of deeper revelation of His Nature through scriptures. Really expanding my theology of being. And teaching me to abide in Him more constantly. Been a rich season. Less ministry, more just prayer and study. I’ve come to enjoy the monastic quality of it, even as a spiritual extrovert!

I can feel much more His Fatherhood gathering in my heart; and others are drawn just to sit near Him in me. Nice.

Ok, to just chat with the fathers on line. So many needs expressed there, it’s ok also to pull away from public media in order to stay and abide and reside in Him, at times….

I think i’m giving myself permission to be more in a formation season than a ministering outward one. It’s not easy when you still perceive needs around you constantly. But we are meant to be led by His Spirit not the needs of others. It’s a discipline for me. To see what others need, but to be mainly watching and led by Him, even if it doesn’t feel fruitful. Yet, I know His deeper formation in me is always fruitful. He knows I will want to run around blessings others soon enough. But for now He is jealous just for me. How remarkable His Love is.